Well, it is about time I showed up again! The last few months I have spent making, breaking and confirming plans, from horses to houses. I have missed you. I have had to lease a horse. OMG!!!! And I don't recommend it. This little mare is going to be a joy, but she has been presented to me as pre level one. But, what do I care? This is a love affair, not a competition! See below.
The pursuit of excellence in any area requires the ability to just stay the course. This is what is hardest for me because everyone else seems so far beyond my capabilities. Then I remember how much I just love the horsey and all the fear and trepidation is washed away.
My most recent equine colleague is a little (and I mean tiny) quarter horse, called Ladybug (here to fore known as LB) with a huge brain and heart leased because shipping my own horse, HonneeBunnee was cost prohibitive. And as with most decisions there are both wonderful as well as worrisome outcomes.
I was very lucky to have gotten 10 days to play games and establish a romance without any pressure of performance. A pressure that I am committed to resisting should (and they will) those feelings come up. Although she is perfect just the way she is I was hoping to get a string. Then I thought that I just want to love her and if I do any accomplishments will just come.
In psychological research it has been established that all it takes to feel the pressure of performance or competition is the presence of another person. They don't even have to be doing what you are doing. That is how fragile our sense of belonging and desire for recognition is. I feel it acutely. Yesterday some new women showed up at the ranch where LB and I were goofing about. Immediately I felt pressure to be good and on target and right and blah, blah, blah! The horse instantly wanted nothing to do with me. I had changed. I had become tight. And she doesn't do tight! I just noted it and went on, but I want to think about it and have at least some understanding that this can come up in me.
I want to stay the course and develop my romance with LB. I already love her even though she is at a level in her education that is far less than I had fantasized about. My vision for us will be to continue to be a pair of funny girls just goofing and riding and tickling each other. That is the prize. Right? Yet, my human side wants to win, and be recognized and honored and...Now I am making myself laugh.
