Seventy eight days out from Pagosa। Arranging for horse transport and a car in Pagosa. People have told me that March is a good time to save on a rental, but I did not see much savings really. Extremely pleased with shipper so far.




Bunnee had a meltdown on Tuesday and I did on Friday। Her huge gaits have made me question my ability to ride a horse at all, which is and has always been tenuous. Not only do I question my ability to ride but recently my horse activity and how hard I have had to work has given me even more cause to pause! I have always seen myself as coordinated, athletic even. But now...I wonder if this too has been a self deception. I used t think that I avoided sports because competition made me nervous and sad. But maybe it is because I was so challenged in the required physicality!


I have been trying t0 teach myself to juggle for six months. The books say that I should (watch out for that word) be able to juggle within a couple of hours!!! I have just gotten the fundamental pass down. I asked someone else who has never juggled to try. They said, "I can't do that." I persisted. They were juggling in a few minutes! I did this with ten other people all of them juggling within a few minutes just as the book described. I started to see myself as someone maybe just a little challenged in this department. I know my loving friends will think, well, here she goes again with the self deprecation. But this is just about giving myself a break, not self criticizing. About self understanding and self compassion. I would not put the pressure on someone else who was equally challenged. Would I? What this means that instead of being mad at myself I can just let it go and understand that I have to stay committed.



These problems make me think of how ego invested many, (including myself) are in their horses and their horses performance. I have to remind myself to get out of my own way daily and just "be"with the horse. It is so easy to be with Bunnee, but I keep thinking, I have to "go" somewhere, or "be" somewhere. Like we have somewhere to go. Social comparison is so strong in people and I am very susceptible to negative self talk. Social comparison can be created in the laboratory by social scientists. Even when they are philosophizing about how they do not socially compare people are in actuality socially comparing themselves. Whenever I hear someone admonish me (even though they seem to think they are offering insight) that I must enjoy the journey, or be present I feel put down, not encouraged. Now, not only did I have a problem in my horsemanship the message is clear that my attitude is wrong. After all the self doubting thoughts just come. I am not in control of them...they just come. Once again I feel the pain of inadequacy.


It is a constant vigilance to pay attention, not to the payoff, whatever that is, but the process. Which really is easy to do when the conscious mind is not pulled off track by internal or external pressure. This occurs with all activities as so beautifully explored in the book, The Inner Game of Tennis. As Baba Ram Das so simply expressed it I will "Be Here Now". I hope to see you there!